Deb’s Story
– Out of the Darkness – Into the Light
I
met my first husband when I was 22 years old. We
worked together and as we got to know each other, we
found we had a lot in common, so we started dating.
We dated off and on for almost 5 years before we
were married. I was very naive in those days and
never realized that I was in an abusive
relationship, simply because he never hit me. I
never dreamed that the man I fell in love with and
married would turn out to be an abusive man. The
signs had been there all along, the verbal insults,
the public humiliation when he called me names in
front of his friends, the fact that he had cheated
on me while we were dating – with friends of mine,
his refusal to allow me to have friends of my own,
and finally his daily attempts to draw me into
arguments he knew I would never win. I believed he
was right and I was wrong, and therefore deserved
the treatment I received from him.
Despite how he treated me, we married after I became
pregnant. I honestly believed that once we were
married, he would change. I was wrong. He now had me
completely under his control and his verbal abuse
grew worse. There is an image burned into my brain
that I will never be able to get rid of, and I am
not sure I want to. I believe I am holding on to
this image in case I should ever find myself in that
position again. The image is of our wedding day. We
had a videographer for the wedding and reception. I
will never forget the opening shot of us walking
into the reception, hand in hand. Once we had been
announced, it was as if a switch had been turned off
and he went one way and I went another. During the
two hours of tape, we are seen together exactly
three times; for the first dance, the cake cutting
and our exit. This video indicated how my life was
to be for the next 8 years.
When our first daughter was about 2 years old, I
became pregnant again. I had always dreamed of
having two daughters, so I was thrilled.
Unfortunately, this was to be the catalyst that
began my descent into the darkness. My husband
refused to accompany me to have my ultrasound, so I
went alone. When I learned I was having another
daughter, I called my husband to tell him. He was so
mad that it wasn’t a boy, he refused to speak to me
for weeks. During that pregnancy, he and I worked
different hours, so we hardly saw each other. I was
lonely and began spending more time with my parents.
That infuriated my husband, so I was not allowed to
have contact with my family. The day the baby was
born, he reluctantly took me to the hospital, but
left as soon as she was born. The day I was
discharged, he wouldn’t come to pick us up because
he was busy. My parents ended up taking us home and
the darkness around me grew deeper.
Time went by and things grew worse. I had withdrawn
so far into myself, there was no more “me” left. I
still didn’t know how or why I had gotten myself
into this situation. I figured that somehow over the
years I had become a stupid, insipid mouse of a
person. I no longer had the strength to fight back,
nor did I have the will to leave. He had always
threatened me that if I ever tried to leave, he
would find me and take the girls away from me. My
daughters were my life and I couldn’t leave them
with him. His violent outbursts were worsening and
when he drank, there was no telling what he would
do. I was now to the point where I was afraid he
would start hitting me and once he did, he wouldn’t
be able to stop before he killed me. It took all my
strength just to get out of bed and try to care for
the girls; I no longer cared how I sick I was, both
physically and mentally. The darkness was complete
and I just didn’t care anymore.
Then came the night he came home after spending most
of the evening drinking. He dragged me out of bed
and started yelling at me again. I begged him to
stop and just as he drew back his fist, my youngest
daughter called out to me. He had woken them up and
they were crying and scared. Finally, a very dim
light began to grow around me. My maternal instincts
took over and the overpowering need to protect my
children gave me the strength and hope I had lost so
many years ago. I started my plans to leave. It took
three tries before I could leave for good, but at
last, I was free!
I
was lucky enough to have the support of my family
who offered their home to us, and close friends who
gave me all the love and support I needed. It took a
long time, but I was finally out of the darkness and
into the light. I will carry the scars of all those
years of abuse, but I survived and emerged a better,
stronger and caring person. I have been re-married
now for almost 10 years to the most wonderful,
caring, and giving man any woman could hope for. The
darkness is gone and I live each day in the light.
Last year, what I had come to call "my personal
light" became a tangible symbol of my breaking free
of the vicious cycle of domestic abuse, the Dove
pendant. This group of women, The Sisterhood of The
Dove, are truly my sisters. We have each experienced
what you may be experiencing now. And, as Bamabelle
wrote, we HAVE walked in your shoes. While our
stories may be different, we are ALL
survivors and if reading our stories give even one
woman that first glimmer of hope, we will have
accomplished what we set out to do. We are living
proof that there IS life after domestic abuse and
there IS help just waiting for you. All you have to
do is ask.
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